Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
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In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Coffee for people with no kids
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.