Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
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Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”