Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
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mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.