Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
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Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
There is wisdom there.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.