aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
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If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
japanese corn
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
saving face 👀
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.