As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
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Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
#Caturday
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.