As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
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“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Nice try, poison.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot