@basic_afbitch

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

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@Mirimade

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

@A_AronKing

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

@ICantEven001

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

@mxmclain

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

@CarpentersCrack

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

@LoveNLunchmeat

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

@JermHimselfish

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

@Kennedydp5

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

@joejwest

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

@WilliamAder

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.