As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

You Might Also Like


I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.


Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.


Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?


Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes


Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.


It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water


If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.


I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.


WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]


I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.