as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
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My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.