As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
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FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
channeling her this year
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……