As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
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Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what