As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
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“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.