as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
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The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.