As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
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Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.