As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
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Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards