As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
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Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.