As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.
You Might Also Like
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”