As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
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Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter