As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
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I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.