“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
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Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.