As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
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*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.