As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
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Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.