As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
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Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
What a website
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.