As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
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Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes