As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
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“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
So that’s what we looked like?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.