As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
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My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
consequences, the bane of my existence
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese