As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
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You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Yup.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
when someone compliments me
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants