As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
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My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u