As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
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GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
why I oughta
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits