As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
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<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
car not found
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows