As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
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Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them