as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
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ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.