As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
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Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I love twitter
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
broke down and did it
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow