As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
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Seek kebab; not attention
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit