As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
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when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
How to find Kentucky on a map