As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
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Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”