As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
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I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Cucumbers Anonymous
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.