As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

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Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?


The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.


I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.


According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.


ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.


[kidnapper hands wife phone]
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED


When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.


I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.


We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair


Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?