Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
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Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful