As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

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Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster


Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans


“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*


Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.


Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar


genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish


Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon


Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’


passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing


Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful