@TheEmmeReynolds

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

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@zachreinert0

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

@goodbeanjokes

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

@DanMentos

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

@Social_Mime

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

@ADHDeanASL

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

@clichedout

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

@blaha_Who

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

@lukeplusone

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

@XennDad

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

@SjekkieBunzing

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful