As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
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Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
My dryer is celebrating lint.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!