as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

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Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.


You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle


I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)



GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather



Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…


Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.


I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.


If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.