as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

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Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.


“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.


[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen


My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.


The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.


“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk


SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here


“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership


My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”