@RandomAntics

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

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@JanineEB4

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

@huntigula

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

@jshbck

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

@Miss_MI_Kay

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

@kevinthedad

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

@mattZillaaaa

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

@brendohare

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

@Jeffwni

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

@ProBirdRights

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.