@JanineEB4 My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
@RandomAntics as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
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@JanineEB4 
@huntigula Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
@jshbck There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
@Miss_MI_Kay If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
@kevinthedad “All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
@mattZillaaaa [a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
@brendohare If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
@Jeffwni Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
@TheCiscoKidder My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
@ProBirdRights Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.