as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

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My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.


Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet


There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.


If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up


“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me


[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”


If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process


Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—


My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.


Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.