@YourDailyGroan Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
@RandomAntics as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
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@YourDailyGroan 
@Mitchoacan Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
@Prof_Hinkley You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
@IamEnidColeslaw but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
@HatfieldAnne I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
@markydoodoo [CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
@djdarrellripley Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
@aveuaskew Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
@whatmaddness I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
@Jake_Vig If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.