@RandomAntics

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

You Might Also Like

@Izianikapani

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

@Contwixt

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

@Book_Krazy

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

@TheRolo

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

@skullpuppy11

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

@Jez1

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

@aligarchy

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

@ThisOneSayz

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

@thepaulasuzanne

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”