@Izianikapani Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
@RandomAntics as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
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@Izianikapani 
@Contwixt “Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
@Book_Krazy [Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
@TheRolo My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
@youwouldknow what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
@skullpuppy11 The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
@Jez1 “Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
@aligarchy SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
@ThisOneSayz “So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
@thepaulasuzanne My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”