As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
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I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
hi why am I like this
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.