As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
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Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers