As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
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Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.