As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
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Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird