As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
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And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
dictator is short for richard potato
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside