As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
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my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents