As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
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Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!