As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
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Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”