as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
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8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
no
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997