As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
You Might Also Like
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.